Dancing in Circles

At the end of the month I'm moving from the burbs to the little nowhere town I did some growing up in.  There's family there and a lower cost of living.  It's been rather stubborn of me not to go back there before now.  But it's time to move away, and it's time to move back.  Dancing in circles, it's my way. 

My days recently have been TV, books (reading, writing, drawing), and a pinch of socialization.  I'm excited about my current projects.  And oddly enough I even think the old home town will contribute to my ability to continue on those projects. 

I gotta admit to some nervousness though.  Highschool was a drag.  Those people live there.  Those people that made it a drag.  Y'know?  But then I'm like hey fuckwit you're in your 30's - You can handle this.  Really what sealed the deal was when I examined the fact that I no longer give a single fuck what anyone else thinks of me.  Plus lower cost of living.  Works for now, eh?

Small town living is a thing...everyone knows everyone's everything.  Living mostly in the burbs has been delicious in my ability to fade into a crowd, well feel like it at least.  But small town is seeing someone you know every where you go.  Argh to that.  Argh to shopping where the old crowd still does.  Argh to bumping into bullies at ye old market.  Maybe if I argh now I'll be prepared for it. 

Plus stores close there ridiculously early.  And don't expect to shop on a Sunday.

But I must admit I'm goofy excited to live where my niece is growing up.  I want her to know me on sight.  I feel sad when she sees me and takes a half hour to warm up to me.  But then when she does my heart melts.   The thing is I realize I can be a staple in her life...and wow me I want to be.

Then there's the million premonitions (which I'm not gonna share) that point there.  It'd be stupid not to listen to my own highly tuned intuition. 

Just having made this decision makes me feel ... well grown up.
Argh to that too.  But I guess it's high time. 


It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.


Goddamnit I hate it when things like this make perfect personal sense to me.

Midnight Soldier

Thursday nights, especially toward the end of the month, are my favorite. Bman gets paid some time after midnight, before 1am. And tonight I was especially eager for a cigarette. I decided to get gas too, and food.

After parking next to a pump in the Mobile station, a soldier walked in front of my car. He wore a full fatigue outfit, and had a full pack on his back. I assume he'd just gotten home, or something. By the time I'd gotten myself prepared to go prepay the soldier was gone, and I soon found out why when the door under the bright neon OPEN sign was locked, and the building appeared empty, though very lit.

So I went next to McDonalds. A simple order of $5 and change, which took forever considering. It gave the assholes behind me lots of time to holler out their windows toward me. I think they believed themselves clever. I'll say this...the one clever thing they did was to start with a comment on my "Love is the Answer" bumper sticker. Reminding me of my beliefs, though what they said was, "You're wrong! War is the answer!" was a wise move...seeing as they're still wearing their faces. I chose to ignore them, as that was the most loving act I could do. And since McDonald's fucked my order up twice I had lotsa time to practice that loving action. I did take a small bit of pleasure in my order taking so long that they were forced to wait behind me between the pay and pick up windows. Deserved.

When I wasn't fuming, I thought of the soldier. I saw him walk down the street. I debated offering him a ride. See for a scardy cat in the middle of the night...that's a frightening offer. But I did end up offering. He (not surprisingly) seemed skeptical of my offer. Said, "No thanks." I nodded, waved, and pulled out of the 7/11 parking lot, just in time to hear him call after me, "Have a good night!" I smiled, "You too," I called out and sped off.

And now I've got a chocolate shake, cigarettes, a bit of cash and I think killing some beasts in WoW is in order.
Love certainly is the answer to most things.
Safely releasing aggression is the answer to others.
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    aggravated aggravated

Drunk on life.

4 days ago I obtained and started taking my mood stabilizer again.
Topamax 50mg at bedtime.
Today I am MANIC.
Yes, all caps are necessary. This is a level 5 mania.

Irritability without reason.
Or perhaps just the slightest change in my plans, including but not limited to having to speak more words than I intended to.
Bitchiness without reason.
Or perhaps as a result of the irritability.

Giddiness with little reason.
Over fondness.
Passionate pursuit of interests...

High distract-ability.

In fact...as I think of other words to describe myself currently...
Just think of a drunk person, and then remove the clumsiness and slurring.

I get irritated with myself for being in this mood.
Very much so.


I mean... the least I could do is be actually intoxicated, right?
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    annoyed annoyed

Silliness in seriousness.

What follows the cut are some webcam pix of a little project I did a couple months back, in an attempt to understand myself.
It didn't work, but it was amusing.

Collapse )

Since then, in my self discovery path I've paid assloads more attention to my personality type (ENFP) and suddenly things are not only making sense...but I am seeing lights at the end of tunnels. Understanding perhaps how to get to where I want to be. How to keep the people in my life that I want there.

Good things.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused

Hell yes.

I'm proud of myself.  
Trying new things with this writing experience.  
Ideas are flowing.  
  • Current Mood